I guess this is goodbye…

Wow.  It seem’s like just yesterday I was getting on a plane to move to Canada.  Now, almost ten years later, I am graduating high school.  The moment I have been thinking about all my life has finally come, I will walk across the stage, I will get dressed up and go to a fancy dinner, but it all feels like a dream; a dream I am waiting to wake up from.  Sadly (which is something I never thought I would say), this is not a dream.  I am not going to wake up, and it is not going to be over.

 I will never eat lunch outside in the tall grasses of the football field again, I will never ride on a big yellow bus again, I will never get to walk out of school at 3:15 pm on a hot day and hug all of my friends goodbye, because this is goodbye.

This is goodbye to a childhood I have been longing to hold on to forever.  Although I believe these memories and experiences will always be a part of me, as long as I live, they are things I will never get to do again.

 My favourite teacher once said: “don’t worry about tomorrow – you got this”.  I like to tell people that I don’t cry often, but this truly brought tears to my eyes.  Everything that I was pushing to the side, came flooding into my thoughts, I could no longer pretend that I wasn’t scared, that I was confident.  I am scared, I do doubt myself, but what my amazing teacher said is not something I am only going to think about today, it is something I am going to carry with me throughout my entire life.

I will never forget these past, amazing years of my life.  Yes, I am crying now, but that is okay.  I am allowed to be sad; I am allowed to be emotional.  I have come so far, and I know I am going to continue to grow, and develop into the person I truly want to be.  I will no longer worry about what is to come, because I know I can handle it.  I have learned so much, I am ready to face this new world head on.  I know I can do this.  I know I have got this.  Yes, I am terrified.  Yes, I am shaking beyond control.  But I have faith in myself.  I have faith in my experiences.

So I guess this is goodbye, not to my life, but to a chapter of it.  I know I will look back on this day and realize that life was not half as terrifying as it seems at this very moment, but for now, it seems like an eternal black whole waiting to consume me.  That is okay, I tell myself.

“Don’t worry about tomorrow – you got this” – Pamela Hunnisett

( The teacher I will remember for the rest of my life)

School-Hallway

Loneliness – A blog based on Hamlet

The house was cold. The house was lonely. Everything was exposed, everything was free. There was a girl inside this house. This girl was beautiful. She had the blondest hair, the bluest eyes, and the palest skin; but she had a secret. This secret was not one that you may imagine, for you could not tell from looking at her on the outside. In this big empty house the girl sat; on the windowsill in her room looking, staring out into the darkness. One may have thought she was thinking, but I know there was nothing she could think about. Nothing she could dream about. She was hollow on the inside.

Everyone thought she was happy. Everyone thought she lived a great life. But they were wrong. They never really knew her at all; only her blank, gaunt shell. The one that served to keep the bad emotion inside, and the good emotions out. Only one day, someone noticed the shell. They tried to break it, but no matter how hard they tired, access was always denied. See, this shell was no ordinary barrier, it had a big, heavy lock; one that could never be opened. So they looked on, never bothering to stick abound and see if the lock would break. And so time passed, and as house remained silent, so did the girl. People would come and go, and once in while the lock would shake, threatening to open, but soon thereafter it would stop, and the emotions would still be trapped.

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So time continued to pass, and with that, so did the loneliness. It almost became bearable. Until one day someone tried to shake the lock again, but this time, they wouldn’t let it go. They stayed around for a long time, one hand on the lock of the barrier threatening to break it; the other hand to hold on the outside. I guess the girl got tired of holding the lock closed, or maybe she purposely allowed it to be opened. All I know is that when it did, nobody was prepared for what they saw. The happy; bubbly, blond haired; blue eyed young girl became a sad, lonely girl, no longer only on the inside but also on the the outside. Thankfully, the hand that was placed firmly around lock simply moved to the outside, so there were two hands to hold; two hands to support this fragile body. So as time passed the hands moved away and the girl became strong. Everyone thought she was back to normal, back to the joyful, bright girl they used to know.

What they don’t know is that this is not the same girl. This girl has no shell; she has no lock. Everything that is on the outside, is on the inside too. And so now, the house is warm. The house is happy. Everything is exposed, everything is free. There is a girl inside this house. This girl is beautiful. She has the blondest hair, the bluest eyes, and the palest skin.

This girl has no secret, for she is no longer alone.

 

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Night – The power of the SS

We were masters of destiny, the masters of chance.  We had everything we ever wanted, but still, we wanted more; control, need, desire.  We were young at the time, wittier than we are now, we let our imagination run wild.  But even then, never could we forget the time we fell silent.  We no loner desired our destiny.  We no longer desired anything.  We had one goal.  The goal to hurt.  The goal to destroy.  The goal to kill.  No sorrow.  No pity.  No despair.  We were masters of distinction, the masters of segregation.  We had everything we ever wanted, but still, we wanted more; bodies, hurt, elimination.  We were young at the time, stronger than we are now, we let our minds run wild.  But even then, never could we forget the time we fell silent.  We no longer desired our trade.  We no longer desired anything.  We had one goal.  The goal to hurt.  The goal to destroy.  The goal to kill.  But that became harder.  The pale bodies forced to face a crowd of thousands, as one of us kills.  No sorrow.  No pity.  No despair.  But still; we felt, but never showed. We were masters of the underground, the masters of obscurity.  We had everything they thought we wanted, but still we wanted more; freedom, safety, sympathy.  We were older at the time, less innocent than we are now, we let ourselves do foolish things.  But even then, never cold we forget the time we realized.  Realized what we had done.  We felt everything.  Pain, torture, suffocation; helplessness, constraint, fear.  We were haunted.  We are haunted.

We were master of the world, masters of our destiny.  But even then, never could we forget the time we fell to the ground.  We no longer desired to live. We no longer desired anything.

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Writing this piece was very challenging for me.  I have been sitting here for hours, staring at the words, not sure what to write next.  Nazi Germany is such a controversial topic, especially when it comes from a place of the accuser.  In Nightwe are given the perspective of the accused; those that are being discriminated for their religion, for their rights.  I chose to write from the perspective of the SS guards, those involved in managing the concentration camp.  It is very difficult to imagine this book from any point of view but the Jewish.  It is accurate to explain the hardships that the Jews experienced in the camps; however, we are only left to imagine how the SS might have felt throughout the novel.  I believe it is very much up to one’s interpretation of human nature.  Are humans inherently good? Or are they inherently bad?  I believe humans are good; however, can be influenced into making very wrong choices.  This is how I chose to see the situation.  This does not excuse the behaviour of the SS, but I do feel it helps to imagine the situation from both sides.  As I begin, I view the SS as one’s that are have been completely influenced by Hitler and his outrageous demands.  They are almost like robots, going through the motions, not thinking about what they are doing.  Throughout the duration of the camp, I choose to believe that it became harder and harder for the SS to maintain this “robot” like nature.  I feel it is impossible to maintain a completely prejudiced point of view, especially when you are being exposed to such unfathomable circumstances.   At the end of the memoir, I chose to believe the SS did in fact succumb to the emotions they had been keeping within themselves, and suffered for a long time; feeling regret, remorse, and as much torture as the Jews, not only in a physical sense, but in a emotional and mental sense, for the Jews experienced every kind of torture imaginable.

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Never Shall I forget

Never shall I forget the first night;

Eyes wide open, tears streaming down my face.

Never shall I forget the distance,

Feeling so empty, so far away.

Never shall I forget the last time I saw you;

Waving to you from afar, saying goodbye before I new.

Never shall I forget that moment,

Realizing you were truly gone, shattering from within.

Never shall I forget that song;

Loud and clear, silencing as I realized the truth.

Never shall I forget her face;

Rosy and full of life, turning to darkness.

Never shall I forget that colour;

Deep ruby streaming down your face from the shock.

Never shall I forget the fear,

The unknown that consumed me, so far from where I used to be.

Never shall I forget that plane ride,

Silence fills the rows, we sit and we dread.

Never shall I forget the family;

Arriving home just ten days after we left for good.

Never shall I forget the surprise,

The unprecedented circumstances for this sudden arrival.

Never shall I forget the lies,

The protection the enveloped me at such a young age.

Never shall I forget the day I said my real goodbye,

The one thing I never saw coming.

Never shall I forget the way we used to laugh.

The way we used to play.

The way I used to love you.

Never shall I forget.

This “Never Shall I Forget” piece is something that is near and dear to my heat.  Not just because it is about a family member that passed away when I was younger, but because it brought up some very raw emotions and memories I have kept hidden for a long time.  I don’t recall consciously blocking these memories from my mind, but I suppose it was my subconscious the chose to forget this hard time in my life.

My Granddad died on December 25th 2005.  It was our first Christmas in Canada.  The first time my parents and I had spent this holiday without him.  When we got the phone call it was not at all what we had anticipated.  His death was unexpected, therefore a complete shock to all of us.  It was really hard being away from my family at this difficult time, and not being able to say a proper goodbye to one of the most influential people in my life.

I will aways miss him; however, I often feel as though I have become too involved in my life to take a few minutes and remember all the good times we used to have together.  This piece gave my a chance to reflect on those moments with him, and realize that no matter how consumed I am with what is going on around me, there will always be a place for him in my heart.

This I believe – The Power of Personal Achievement

This I believe

            I believe there are no limits to personal achievement.  I believe you can accomplish anything you set your mind to, no matter how hard, challenging, or scary it may be.  Your actions can, but do not have to dictate whom you become.

At the small age of nine, I remember sitting on my bed thinking the world was going to end.  I had just got home from school but, it wasn’t just any day at school; it was report card day.  I recall sitting on the edge, my legs dangling off the end not quite long enough to touch the ground, staring at the large brown envelope.  I had always told my parents everything, yet at this moment in time; I did not know I was going to do.  Hearing the doors opening and closing made my heart pound.  Knowing that just under me, my parents were happy in the kitchen with no idea what they were about to find out.  I opened the envelope one more time and stared at it.  Angry at myself, angry at my teacher and, angry for what I was about to do.  I walked slowly down the stairs, the envelope shaking in my hand.  I can see it now, handing them the envelope, excitement on their faces, proud of their daughter before a single letter had labeled her.  I watched slowly as their faces turned from grins to frowns.  I immediately broke down; I shouted, “This is too hard!” “I can’t do it!” “I will never be successful”.   Little did I know, with a little effort and hard work, I would be able to defy that small report card and achieve much more for myself.

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http://advancedlifeskills.com/blog/11-high-powered-personal-achievement-principles/

            At the small age of nine, I truly believed that the world was over, that a single mark from grade five had the ability to define who I was going to become, but that is not the case.  The moment I started to think, “I can do this” “I will improve” “just do it”, my marks started to increase.  I input the effort, and my output was success.  I knew from that moment in grade five, that I needed to achieve more for myself than I had in the past, and I did not allow myself to be discouraged by a small piece of paper with a grade on it.  I know that if I look back at where I started, my grade five teachers would be proud of me.

             I truly am proof that there are no limits to what a person can achieve.  If you remove the words “I can’t” and “I won’t”, and replace them with “I can” and “I will”, I know that everyone can accomplish success and personal achievement.  At this point in my life, I can confidently say that I am proud of how far I have come.  I know that there is still room for me to grow, however I am certain with a little more positive attitude, time and effort I will achieve all my goals and obtain the success I deserve.

 

 

 

Lost – Non Fiction

I remember always always being told no.

No matter how hard I pleaded, or how sweet I was, the answer was always no.

I got used to it for a while, and I stopped asking, for I already knew what they would say. No.

But then something changed.

Not only in me, but in them.

They started to listen, the no, became a maybe and it was all back to the beginning.

No matter what I did, or what I said, the answer was always maybe.

I suppose that it is worse than no.

The never knowing for sure; that was the worst part.

But then something changed again.

They started to let me in, to sway their minds.

I was always told no.  Then I was always told maybe.

And then the answer became yes.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I felt so happy.  Elated.

I remember calling all my friends, and telling all my family.

They were shocked.

They never thought it would happen for me.

Everyone thought I was going to be the one on the outside looking in, wishing I could have more than I already did.

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Now I am standing here in the deep snow.

I had a tight grip on her leash but I suppose the snow was too deep and too slippery.

She was panting and galloping, as far as she could anyway, and that was only a couple of feet.

Looking back at moments before this, I am not really quite sure how it happened.

Only that one minute I had complete and utter control over her, and the next she was gone.

She was out of my control and that terrified me.  I closed my eyes at first, trying to escape how I felt. Hoping I would open my eyes and discover it had all been a horrible nightmare.

I open my eyes only to discover that she is farther now.  Yet I do not move.  As the space increases, the sound of my voice becomes faded.  She does not hear me.

And then she does.

All of a sudden her bright face turns towards my frantic one and I relax, she sees me.  She is galloping towards me.  She is coming back.

Catching her in my arms; I hug her tight.

Once I have her; I look back at her small footprints in the snow.

She had ran maybe twenty feet, then stopped and came back to me.  I think she was only gone for a few seconds, but it had felt like forever.

Thinking about a life without her,  in a life where I worked so hard to have her, was unbearable.

If I didn’t know it before, I know now not to take anything for granted, for it can be ripped from you as fast as it came into your life.

Tessa is a happy dog now.  I hardly think she remembers that day.  Or maybe she does.  Maybe it was just as terrifying for her as it was for me.

I guess we will never know.  All I am sure of is that I am never letting her go again.

 

 

Unfaithful – Spoken Word

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They told me I needed to let it go,

That you had always been good to me.

 

They said that I needed to get a grip,

That I needed to stop overanalyzing.

 

That you were full of good looks,

And it was just your quirky personality.

They said you were faithful,

That your eyes need not wander for they were always stuck on me.

But I; I know you better.  I know your charming heart,

And I have seen your subtle glances.

 

It isn’t cute and it isn’t funny,

The way you place your hand on her back, lingering for too long.

 

I watched as your face turned warm,

Your cheeks turning cherry.

 

Your hand sincerely rubbing her back,

I know you are not her friend.

 

But I am not your friend,

I will not let you look at her the way you used to look at me.

 

I will not be the other woman,

I will not be your rag doll or your protégé.

 

I don’t care what you say because your words are like glass,

Always flowing out,

Excuse after excuse, shattering as they hit the ground – exposing the real truth.

 

I may not like what you are saying but I will not cover my ears,

I will not run away.

 

I may not ever understand why,

But I will never be confused by you.

 

I am not the same as that girl over there, head down and hopelessly crying because she has lost her other half,

You are not my other half, for I am already whole.

 

You will not defeat me, nor affect my reputation,

I will not be brought down by you.

She can have you, you are no longer my responsibility.

You cannot be trusted and I will no longer accept your excuses or your lies.

 

You will see me smile, you will hear me laugh,

You will look at me only to have me look right through you.

 

I know this is for the best.

In time, I will be happier.

In time, you will regret.

In time, we will be nothing. 

Writers Seminar

For my writer seminar I chose to talk about John Green.  I chose John Green because I love his writing style.  He is one of the only authors that has intrigued me enough to make me want to read more than one of his books, other than authors that write a continuing series of books, in which case…how can you not finish the series?! I have learned a lot from John Green and his writing.  I have learned that I do not have to write to impress others, but to impress myself.  I do not have to prove anything to anyone through my writing.  I have also learned that I should not pressure myself into writing something if I am not in the mood, or I am not inspired, because it will be a waste of time.  Which, from experience, has proved to be true.  John Green has also inspired me to try and write about real life events, and events that everyone has some knowledge on, be it big or small.  This way, people will be willing to read what I am writing, as they already have some background information to start with.  Through emulation of John Green’s work, I have come up with a few pieces of writing that I am proud of.  If I had not been exposed to John Green and his writing, I would not have had the inspiration to write these pieces.

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“What is an instant?  We will never know until it is too late.  Too late to tell.  To late to feel.  Too late to wonder.  But others will wonder.   Others will feel.  They will feel more than an instant, they will feel a lifetime, never forgetting.  But the truth is, how long did it take your heart to stop.  I hardly believe something as complex as a human body organ would stop instantaneously.  How long did it take the air to leave you.  I bet it was more than an instant.  For us it was an instant now a lifetime.  For you, it was a lifetime now an instant.  But I suppose we will never know, we just have to believe that your instant is over now, for ours will never be.”

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~ Emulation of John Green – Looking for Alaska 

 

 

Oblivion

To enter out into that science that was my home at ten O’clock on a rainy morning in May.  To walk through the halls as the floor boards creaked underneath, hands in my pockets, through the silences that where eerie and lonely.  She would stand upon the stairs at this time and ring the bell, awakening everyone in the household, but now it really made no difference, I was alone in the world of A.D 2053.  Or as good as alone.  There was no longer anyone to come home to, as everyone had left when the bomb hit.  They all thought it would be better to get out while they could, and when push came to shove, they never really cared about me anyway, nor did they phone to see of I was okay, if I had made it out.  I never made it out.  But now, standing here, I new it was time to finally leave.  It would be hard, leaving everything behind, but I had come to see my belongings as strange and empty, as time had passed and I was alone.  With the final decision made, my thoughts in and out of line, I would stride off, sending patterns of footprints from my home that was now a house, my footprints the only reminder that I was ever here, as I faded into oblivion.

 

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Sometimes I would walk for hours, no longer sure of where I was going, I would return to my house late at night.  And on my way, I would see others in their homes, laughing and smiling with there lights on and curtains open for the whole world to see, almost as if they where inviting others in.  They where not afraid, for they did not know what had happened here.  Sudden rain drops would drip from the trees above, where I would look to see a curtain of water still undrawn against the night, laying almost still, threatening to rain.

As I walked through the town now, passing all the warm households on the streets, I was filled with an eerie cold.  Thee kind you feel only when you know something bad is about to happen.  With that, a the number 29 approaches, one of two busses in the town, this one being the only one that ever leaves town.  As I step on to the bus, I look back at this town, feeling pity for those still living a happy life, knowing that one day, they will all be just like me; trapped in their own oblivion, dying to get out.

* Emulation of Ray Bradbury’s The Pedestrian 

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Who am I kidding?

Who am I kidding?

I lead a simple life now.

I am a foolish young girl in love;

A dreamer who knows nothing but what I see on the outside.

I look on,

All I see is your perfect stature,

Your amazing personality.

And yet I know nothing.

I know not what you love,

For I am caught up in my love with you.f3c038f0366c6197bf4602fd98e8f7ef[1]

I know not what you are passionate about,

For I am only passionate about you.

I watch from afar yet I see so much,

I listen not for what I can hear, but for what goes unnoticed.

The little things.

When I finally reach you my body is weak,

My arms and legs shake slightly.

My eyes dart, never contacting yours,

For if they do, they may never leave.

My breath becomes shallow,

I feel the sweat on my palms.

My body sways from side to side and I feel the tension between us.

When you talk I am speechless,

My brain fails me and I cannot comprehend the words.

You are the only one,

The one I always think about.

You will always have my heart,

Yet to you, I am just another wide eyed, bashful young girl…